matters of consequence

11:28am: so i was just looking at cnn.com and tried to decide if i should be worried about my brother and brother in law. a few seconds later, my mom sent an e-mail saying my brother's flight arrived from japan. he's in dallas. so, i guess i shouldn't be worried. my brother in law gets home from switzerland today. i can't wait to go back.

8:26am: i can't decide if things are good or bad. i think they're just okay. i'm ready to go somewhere. anywhere. i need to get away from things. i'd like to escape forever but i'd settle for a week or two.

1:00pm: yikes!

9:26am: i haven't left the house in two weeks aside from work, church and those types of activities. it's been almost a month since i've seen everyone. i'm very sad here. amit and brian are going to visit me tomorrow. it'll be nice to get out of the house. my current situation is causing me to have some weird anxiety issues. i hope i get over it. quickly. i'm going to san diego next week. i'm excited about seeing my uncle maybe two of my uncles. i haven't seen one in at least 5 or 6 years. i'm not excited about having to chaperone 3 teeangers. they're good kids so i guess it won't be too bad. work sucks. not working is probably going to suck but more on that later.

3:55pm: are you writing this shit down ace?
i have a lot to say...

4:24pm: tiffany
let herself go

8:58pm: i'm warning you, there's some witnessing going on down there...
when i was younger, probably less than 10, our pastor at the time told a story that has stuck with me to this day.

there was an old woman who was so poor that she could barely afford food. the woman remained faithful and continued to pray. one day two mischievous little boys overheard the woman praying for bread. the boys decided it would be funny to play a trick on the woman and buy her a loaf of bread. they put their money together, went to the store, and bought a stale loaf a bread. they left it outside of the old woman's door, knocked, then, ran away. the woman came to the door and saw the bread. she immediately began praising God and thanking him. the boys jumped out of the bushes laughing. one of them said "we brought you that bread, you foolish woman!" the woman replied "the devil may have brought this bread but the Lord sent it!"

I guess that story doesn't mean anything if you don't believe in a God but that story is so important to me. it helps me remember that God puts certain people and situations (good or bad) into my life for a reason. the past year has been extremely frustrating for me. there were so many times when i questioned myself or god. it's so hard to have faith when the walls are caving it but it's finally coming together for me. if james hadn't been murdered i wouldn't have found my calling in life. if things had worked out with this apartment, i wouldn't be going to san diego. i can go on and on about losing my job, being stabbed in the back, etc. I Can Do All Things Through Christ Who Strengthens Me - Philippians 4:13

11:05am: I'm so proud of my brother and so happy for him. He has come so far in the last few years. I used to worry about him because he seemed a little slow. At first I thought maybe he was just average and I wasn't used to that. Then I realized that he was behind other kids in his class. At one point, his school wanted to classify him and possibly hold him back. I'm so glad my parents fought that. Now he's an honor roll student. in the next year he's going to Japan as a part of the Peer to Peer program, he's going to (hopefully) become an eagle scout, and go off to college. He's definitely the kid in the whole world.

2:20pm: this is funny for so many reasons

The Window Shopper Random Gentle Love Dreamer (RGLDf) Loving, hopeful, open. Likely to carry on an romance from afar. You are The Window Shopper. You take love as opportunities come, which can lead to a high-anxiety, but high-flying romantic life. You're a genuinely sweet person, not saccharine at all, so it's likely that the relationships you have had and will have will be happy ones. You've had a fair amount of love experience for your age, and there'll be much more to come. Your exact opposite: The Stiletto Deliberate Brutal Sex Master Part of why we know this is that, of all female types, you are the most prone to sudden, ferocious crushes. Your results indicate that you're especially capable of obsessing over a guy you just met. Obviously, passion like this makes for an intense existence. It can also make for soul-destroying letdowns. Your ideal match is someone who'll love you back with equal fire, and someone you've grown to love slowly. A self-involved or pessimistic man is especially bad. Though you're drawn to them, avoid artists at all costs. BEWARE: The Hornivore CONSIDER: The Gentleman, The Loverboy, The Boy Next Door Link: The 32-Type Dating Test by OkCupid - Free Online Dating. My profile name: stilluseless

10:45am:

You Are the Individualist

4 You are sensitive and intuitive, with others and yourself. You are creative and dreamy... plus dramatic and unpredictable. You're emotionally honest, real, and easily hurt. Totally expressive, others always know exactly how you feel.

9:48am: this started as a comment on a particular lj. then, i decided it wouldn't be appropriate to taint someone else's lj with what turned into a mini rant. i left the names because changing them would defeat the purpose.

megs, while sitting at work being a total live journal creep, i suddenly decided i needed to make a comment about you. i chose an arbitrary entry. it just happened to be that jen lim also commented on this entry. that's perfect because this is for jen lim, too. it sucks that i've seen you guys probably a combined total of ten times. i constantly have to deal with the most ignorant people in the world. i worry that i'm going to lose my voice and lose my mind. there are times when i just give up because it's not my responsibility to teach people shit. i've always thought you were two of the most intelligent people i've ever met and, aside from my professors, some of the only people who were on the same page as me. high five, ladies. stay awesome.

8:20am: i've always believed that things happen for a reason.

6:18pm: everyone else did it

You are a Social Liberal (80% permissive) and an... Economic Liberal (10% permissive) You are best described as a: Socialist Link: The Politics Test on OkCupid Free Online Dating Also: The OkCupid Dating Persona Test

10:29am: let's see how many times i can use the word 'love'

i was thinking that i'm in love with so many people to varying degrees. i have one friend (who isn't even my "best" friend) who i'm madly in love with but i don't know why. that made me realize that it was this time last year that i first fell in love. it seems like it's been more than a year because i've known these people for so long. i guess it took me awhile to realize how truly amazing they are. at the risk of sounding creepy, i sometimes think i could never never love someone romantically as much as i love my friends. yikes.

7:01pm: i really don't know what i'm going to do. i don't know any girls who are interested in moving to the burg. i think it would be a terrible idea to stay here by myself and moving home would be a nightmare for a variety of reasons. even if i suck it up and move back in with the crazies, i have no way of moving my stuff in. i'm so bummed.

2:59pm: my mom is like the little devil on my shoulder. i wish i wasn't influenced by the shit she tells me.


first i'm stupid for moving out. now she doesn't want me to move back. it's not like this is my choice.

4:11pm: i've convinced myself that i should go back to school.



that's if i ever finish round one.

4:04pm: friday night was proof that none of us really have it together. i've said it so many times but it's true. life is just too heavy for us. i don't know how else to phrase it. sometimes it hurts to know that my friends feel as badly as i do but i feel really lucky that we found eachother. what would i do if i were the only one who wanted to escape all of the time? i would probably break.

5:27pm: older dudes from now on.

9:15am: i definitely need to stay away from the POMC website. today, i went to the site and read and read until i found james's name and picture. then, i immediately got upset. i don't know why i do that to myself. i keep the framed program from his funeral on my shelf. i put it there because i wanted to force myself to deal with this but i think enough is enough. no amount of tears is going to bring him back. so, i'm done. i'm not going to let myself write about this again.

8:11am: right now, the weather and defiance, ohio are making me really happy. i felt amazing as i pulled into work today. i love being in my car alone. i can just sit and think. i have a million epiphanies as i drive to and from work (it must be the name). today i realized that i'm very afraid of losing myself. i worry that all of the good things about me are tied in to the bad things about me so i'm too afraid to change. i think it sounds silly but i honestly believe it.

5:31pm: Everday I start to realize more and more things. sometimes i get frustrated that i was so naive and wasted so much time. Part of me wants to tell everything. I want to walk up to certain people and say "i hope you know he talked shit on you." but what would that accomplish? i'll admit that i'm a bit sad because i'm starting to feel like this whole thing was a fraud. it was just waiting to blow up in my face. nothing as it seems.


in other news. holy shit.




And still despite what she fails to say They¹ll keep on keep on pushing on like strangers And still he tries to make himself believe That it ever meant something But there¹s no try, there¹s only do And that he did ...Don¹t throw caution to the wind No, put it in a vase Keep it in the sun Water it each day Comforts away the pain Of wanting something else Of wanting something more Anything else Everything more

2:33pm: i need to find a new dude to make out with, preferably a boy who doesn't talk.

9:42am: shape up, little girl
December 20, 2002@04:20
happy holidays

i know sometimes i'm really unfair.

and i'm difficult

i'm sorry

to everyone

please bear with me

i'm trying to be better

i swear

honestly, i'm really angry with myself. i wrote that almost three years ago. what has changed? am i going to keep apologizing for the same bullshit for the rest of my life? am i going to use the same tired excuses? a lot of people have 'problems' but i bet they carry on with their lives. i wish i hadn't found this.

9:46pm: every day is the best or worst day of my life.